so, today on radio times, one of marty moss-coane’s guests made an interesting comment on the dearth of female op-ed columnists: women just dont have enough opinions! we’re too busy mulling over things and trying to be fair balanced that we dont hear the sound of opportunity knocking on our door.

so, today, im changing all that. im going to have some opinions for once in my life. maybe ill grow a spine too. here is my rundown of popular philly bands and what i really think of them.

clockcleaner: oh, i get it. they sound like the crucifucks and thats why we’re supposed to think they’re cool. hey that sharkey’s a real dickhead, i hear!

man man: hey, ever hear of this awesome band called need new body?

this radiant boy: hey look at us! our lyrics are complete babble set to new pornographer rip offs! yay!

capitol years: they matter because like, eight billion years ago they played on jimmy kimmels show. also, we’re supposed to care that they opened up for the reunited pixies.

trouble everyday: even though they play like, every other day in this city, they’re still better than the rest of our bands because one time they went on tour with the killers!

dr. dog: wanted to make a record that sounded like “ob-la-di, ob-la-da” on repeat! i cant believe the NYT eats this shit up!

a-sides: gee, we’re just a bunch of ex-hardcore kids — we swear we had no idea what lilys sounded like!

the teeth: who the hell cares what we’re playing — we’re identical twins! dont you totally want to do us at the same time? that would be hot.

national eye: we play our guitars with our beards!

hail social: toured with interpol and still syphilis free!

dragon city: our fans stand at the front of the stage with their arms crossed and occasionally nod! then they bitch about the sound system on the internet! oh yeah, sometimes we listen to MBV and rip off their songs!

V.I.P.: we get it, you sucked some hardcore dudes cock. now go down on eddie van halen, so he wont sue your scrawny well-dressed asses.

bands not mentioned here: sorry, you suck! give up now.

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