I’ve got the new Spoon album and if you think that sounds like I’m trying to one up you, you’re a fucking moron. The record’s been leaked to the internet for a couple weeks now, and if you havent bothered to grab it off a p2p network, don’t get snide and jealous when I talk about it.

Oh, I’m sorry, does that sound like it’s directed to someone? It might be. I find it hilarious when people paint me as an “insider” when really, I don’t even exist in the indie rock social strata. I just want to do what I want to do, regardless of what people think. I’m certainly not alone in that sentiment. A wise person reminded me fairly recently, even when you are anti-something you are still contributing to the system you are against. Regardless of what you hate, you’re still playing the game.

Anyway, the following is what I posted to a discussion list about their new record, Gimme Fiction. I wanted to write something new for here but I havent had the time, so I thought it would be appropriate to post it here. If anything’s confusing, I’ll be more than happy to clarify.
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10:38 - “hi, im anthony lapaglia.” silence.

10:38 - velvet revolver is the backing band for an all-star rendition of “across the universe”. i couldnt make this shit up if i tried.

10:40 - 10:43 - quite possible the most bizarre moment in contemporary pop music happens. i cant even explain this to you. download the track from itunes.

10:44 - the microphone is caught on nora jones’ dress. hee!

10:46 - stevie wonder opens the ballot for “song of the year” and reads it. yes, you heard me.

10:53 - jelly roll morton is honored.

10:54 - usher does his best impression of michael jackson before he turned creepy pedophile. silver gloves not necessary. best choreography of the night!

10:57 - james brown: usher for old people! usher and JB moonwalk battle.

10:59 - sheryl crow = worst dress of the year but gets to announce ray charles’ posthumous win.

11:02 - the thanks for ray charles runs overtime and cheezy music starts playing.

11:09 - the recording academy’s president speaks. wow, what a ballsy move — asking the audience to be equally sympathetic of tsunami victims and the “victims” of downloading. i mean, just how does one come to that realization? whats the logic process for that?

11:25 - ray charles wins album of the year. OK, now go to bed.

10:01 - joss stone & melissa etheridge perform janis joplin. this is actually good! melissa is going the crazy screaming, joss is doing the vocal olympics but it works.

10:11 - whats all that shiny sticky stuff on billy bob thornton’s shirt?

10:15 - tim mcgraw is performing. its almost over and i just realized it now. eh.

10:17 - carter family get a plug. loretta lynn wins best country album and brings jack white on stage with her.

10:19 - i cant decide if jack white resembles michael jackson, trent reznor or simultaneously both. also, jack is being a big ol’ weirdo onstage, running away from the mic the second he’s finished speaking and loretta keeps dragging him back to it. wtf, dude, wtf?

10:26 - ahmet ertegun gets a plug and ahmet plugs turkey.

10:27 - john mayer. OK, ill try not to hate on him too much. i mean, he’s cute but he did write an entire record about jennifer love hewitt.

10:30 - U2 wins “best rock group”. OMG, who’s surprised?!?!? lets tune in to see what bono will say.

10:31 - bono gives props to the grammys this year. no one has anything to say, the band awkwardly stands on stage for a minute.

10:32 - larry mullen “live is where we live” and apologizes to the fans who could not get tickets.

9:15 - ellen degeneres is wearing an iggy pop t-shirt!

9:16 - QL performs with an orchestra. im kind of hoping she breaks out into “le jazz hot” from victor/victoria. ive just a received a couple IMs from people, asking if j.lo & marc anthony [oh, right] kissed on stage, which i must have missed.

9:20 - tyra banks & hoobastank. gee, this stuff writes itself! tyra gets sassy when uttering “diva”. wait, was i supposed to be surprised about that?

9:22 - the members of maroon 5 & kanye west embrace on their way up to accept the award for uh… something pop? vocal? oh, best new artist. [thanks matt] maroon 5 dude: “this is the trippiest thing ive gone through in my life.”

9:24 - ILM wonders if kanye wuz robbed during the commerical break.

[”call me” is heard on a fidelity investments commercial. um, OK.]

[i have decided olympus’ commercial for the m-rope creeps me out more than the dancing baby from ally mcbeal.]

9:29 - i hope quentin tarantino talks about weed on national television like he did on the E! pre-show. oh, he’s just intro’ing green day. but he gets all loud on the mic, so thats OK. at least he sounds like he’s excited.

9:31 - billy joe: “im not part of the redneck agenda” clearly he wasnt paying attention when lynrd skynrd was on stage. billie joe eerily resembling liza minelli.

9:32 - fire! fire! fire!

9:34 - ricky martin: “its not about my sensations”

9:43 - the staples singers get a shout-out and QL intros kanye with the blind boys of alabama. but when they cut to it, its some lady. im really confused. this live blogging thing is hard!

9:45 - finally! kanye in a church! dressed like a priest! praise the lord! five bucks poor sara will have to endure at least 10 customers asking for “that song with jesus” at her job tomorrow.

9:48 - kanyes back… in white! definitely my favorite performance of the night, even if its overdramatic [thats the point, pantywaists].

9:49 - kanye with wings. OK. even awesomer.

9:51 - kanye’s acceptance speech was passionate and incredible. “everybody wanted to know what i would do if i didn’t win — i guess we’ll never know!”

8:40 - QL’s tribute to jerry lee lewis.

8:41 - bono tributes his song to a postal clerk. he is wearing a cowboy hat. bono is a man of the people. have i mentioned he was penn’s commencement speaker last year? oh, my kooky employer. actually, i dont hate U2 at all. i just hate their ubiquitiousness. this performance is also quite good.

8:46 - penelope cruz with two dudes honoring led zeppelin. after watching laugh-in earlier this afternoon, the holy modal rounders are way better than led zep.

8:47 - ultragrrls vagina explodes again as the killers are up for best rock album, which they lose to green day. remember how billie joe was responsible for spawing countless mallrat fashions and increasing manic panic’s net worth? now the mallrats are dictating his new emo style. please, stop. billie joe: “rock and roll can be dangerous and fun at the same time” please, stop.

[i love this commercial where ellen degeneres dances to whatever music is around, especially the part where she stiffly skips to an ice cream trucks melody]

8:56 - QL promises the next 15 minutes will be the most talked about tomorrow. everyone politely applauds as jennifer lopez and whats his name sing in spanish. rednecks across america think they’ve mistakenly switched on univision.

9:01 - matthew maconoguheyeyey drawls on about lynrd skynrd. oh, i see, he’s southern so thats why introducing it. rednecks across america suddenly less confused. so far this lynrd collab with other country people is the least interesting performance of the night. strangely enough, the appearance of keith urban & elvin bishop saves the performance from classic rock hell.

9:06 - tim mcgraw! please go back to scaring the bejesus out of me in “friday night lights”!

9:08 - “sweet home alabama”, finally. the piano player for lynrd looks white and pasty like a corpse. keith urban - country dude from australia? who knew?

9:11 - the set ends in a blaze of light. yeah, amurrica!

7:27 - cyndi lauper air smooching ricky martin. the mere sight of cyndi brings flashbacks [not good ones, either] of working at stupid & crazy.

7:28 - ricky martin opines about the grammys being full of “talented musicians”. oh, thats what they’re calling them these days.

7:30 - ben harper & laura dern. are they dating? married? apparently laura dern had a baby like 3 weeks before and people are jealous that she looks great. hey, if you were a bankable actress youd be able to hire people to lose the weight.

7:31 - kathy griffin interviews kanye west. im totally loving her stock questions:
“you got _ nominations, linday lohan got none. how do you feel?”
“whats your favorite thing at the olive garden?”

kayne’s not biting, though.

7:32 - john mayer. zzzz. he’s talking about what makes “the song of the year”. who cares what this douchebag thinks?

7:34 - john mayer hugs bonnie raitt. bonnie looks fucking awesome. john mayer asks if she can be her date, despite the fact that her husband is right beside her. “two men, who cant complain?” i love that woman.

7:35 - starr jones sings ushers hit “yeah” right next to usher. zzzzz.

7:37 - joss stone adjusts her bra. kathy griffin: “joss stone, who do you think is going to be the next savage garden?” joss: “i dont know who they are.”

7:38 - starr with a bald melissa etheridge talking about janis joplin. i wasnt aware she underwent chemo. hey folks: i suck!

7:40 - melissa etheridge rubs her head against lance armstrong’s. he says she’ll bounce back but after watching strong people like axi succumb to the disease, i cant believe that.

7:42 - sheryl crow is chewing gum while talking with starr and says she wants to collaborate with “the guy from coldplay.”

7:43 - kevin back & kyra sedgwick with starr. kyra and starr share a bonding moment over kyra’s dress that was made by the same person who did starr’s wedding dress. oh, who cares? let’s talk about the woodsman instead!

7:44 - the sound of screaming fans drowns out starr. for once.

7:44 - anita baker with kathy, who says she has lots of anita baker in her ipod.

7:46 - kathy with quentin tarantino: “who do you think rolls a better blunt - willie nelson or snoop dogg?” “who do you think is most likely to snort blow off their grammy tonight?” suddenly, the tv mutes itself! damn, well never know!

7:47 - ashanti with starr.

7:48 - starr with jay-z. they’re talking about the business of music.

7:50 - starr with alica keys.

7:52 - steven tyler with kathy. to steve’s son: “what are you wearing?” “i dont know.”

8:00 - black eyed peas open up.

8:01 - gwen stefani & eve. they’re dressed like pirates. or on a dilapidated pirate ship or something, singing “if i was a rich girl”. sez tony: “if you had asked me what the most annoying sound in the world is, I could have said gwen stefani singing from fiddler on the roof”

8:04 - black eyed peas again. are they the arrested development of the new millenium? oh i see, they have a song called “lets get it started”.

8:05 - jammy blues rock, by some band i dont know, so ill call them “blueshammer.” noodle noodle noo. six string bass.

8:07 - maroon 5. dopey boys in nicely tailored suits. i thought the one in the white jacket was beck at first. i think they want to be interpol of jam bands.

8:09 - franz ferdinand. countless scenesters around the world wonder if ultragrrrl’s vagina has suddenly exploded. this performance is lackluster - their voices are bit flat.

8:11 - all the bands start singing their songs at the same time. woo, chaos!, hollywood style. opening melody is over.

8:12 - usher pounds his chest in appreciation.

8:14 - welcome your host, queen latifah, who announces its the 50th anniversary of “rock and roll”.

8:15 - “at the grammys you get the best music” like, eminem and elton john.

8:17 - john travolta, steven tyler & christina milian present some award. for what award, i dont know, her boobs are distracting me. oh, pinetop perkins, the blues pianist.

8:19 - that jammy band from earlier? los lonely boys, winner of best pop vocal performance. they’ll always be blueshammer to me.

8:26 - alicia keys performs. “thats my gurrrrl!” is being uttered by millions of women around the world.

8:30 - jamie foxx performs “georgia on my mind” with alicia. wow, damn, im impressed.

8:33 - nelly & adam sandler present an award. [the r&b vocal, aka, the “poop chute” award] nelly wears a nice suit, adam looks like he just walked out of an l.l. bean catalog. wtf?

photo courtesy of laris kreslins.

Big thanks to everyone who came out and supported this event. I am astounded that we managed to cram nearly 275 people into a space that small! With your help, we raised over 800$ for United Communities Southeast Philadelphia.

The McCoys “Fever”
Given to me by my mother [or perhaps more accurately, swiped when I, barely a teenager, raided my grandparents basement], this song rules. Self-referential without being to meta-sarcastic, it sounds exactly like their hit “Hang On Sloopy” which sounds of course, exactly like “Louie Louie”. Combine high tech analog one-track production of the time [maybe it was two, who knows] with vinyl’s ability to age and collect grime within its grooves, the song sounds permanently buried in the red.

Spoon “Someone Something”
I would have preferred to play “Take the Fifth” from Girls Can Tell, but it doesn’t exist on 7″ and thus I had to subsitute. Regardless, Britt’s got the right idea on this track — melding the post-punk and soul sensibilities without sounding too dry and affected.

The Count Five “Psychotic Reaction”
Most of the time, I prefer to play the flipside, “They’re Gonna Get You” but today I thought, oh why the hell not? Sometimes its better to play the obvious tracks, especially if you’re attempting to coax the crowd out of its shell.

Magazine “The Light Pours Out of Me”
This track is a post-punk floor stomper but due to the cartridge crapping out and temporarily losing a channel, it sounded tinny. Magazine played a show on the day I was born, sometimes I wonder if that’s why I like this band so much.

The Yardbirds “Puzzles”
Ive had this single since I was a teenager [refer to the aforementioned raid] but for some reason, I’ve never really gave it a good listen until a few months back. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m lame for the lack of interest. I enjoy the juxtaposition of quasi-folk with confused teenage boy sentiment, rounded out by a jeff beck’s blistering guitar solo in the outro.

Guided By Voices “Game of Pricks”
Hands down my favorite GBV tune of all time, for good reason — it’s the only one written by Pollard from an unmistakably scorned female perspective. If only Phil hadn’t smacked around Ronnie Spector for all those years, perhaps this song could have received the proper treatment it deserves.

Modettes “Paint It Black”
Start with a cover, close out with a cover. The Modettes wring this tune of every bhangra influence it has and well, paints everything several coats of goth girl black, replete with incessant wailing and thumping against soundproof walls. I always preferred this cover to the original.

Hey all, this is a party Plain Parade’s planned with Laris Kreslins, does the awesome magazines Arthur and Sound Collector. It also happens to be his birthday. If you can make it out, that would be awesome. I’ve been listening to my entire 7″ collection at any free moment I’ve had.

SAT 2/5
At Silk City (5th and Spring Garden Streets)
10PM, 21+, $3

S E V E N : E L E V E N - P A R T Y
A benefit for United Communities Southeast Philadelphia

Featuring:

Laris Kreslins (Arthur / Sound Collector)
Brendan Newnam (The Phone)
Sara Sherr (Plain Parade)
Thom Lessner (Space 1026)
Luis Mayo (ex-Screamin’ Pijas, Yarn Mask)
Jesse Pearson (Vice Magazine)
Maria T (WPRB / Plain Parade)
Andrew Jeffery Wright (Space 1026, Cold Retarded)
Joey Sweeney (Philebrity)
Kristaps Kreslins (Macitajs on Acid)
+ Guests

Eleven DJs playing seven 7-inch sides is the nifty concept behind this benefit for local nonprofit United Communities Southeast Philadelphia. With so many different people taking a turn behind the tables, what you’ll hear over the course of the night is anyone’s guess. So just come for the big raffle of hipster-approved prizes donated by Spaceboy Records and respected indie labels like Anti-, Sub Pop, Beggars/Matador, Plexifilm, Domino and DimMak. Folks spinning include Andrew Jeffrey Wright and Thom Lessner of Space1026, Sara Sherr and Maria Tessa Sciarrino of Plain Parade, Luis Mayo of Yarn Mask, Joey Sweeney of Philebrity, Kristaps Kreslins, Jesse Pearson of Vice Magazine, Brendan Newnam, and Laris Kreslins of Arthur and Sound Collector. Only seven DJs were originally scheduled, in keeping with the number-seven theme, but more kept coming on board. As Laris Kreslins, who helped organize the night, says, “I think it’s always good to have a backup.” All proceeds go toward United
Communities’ mission of community stability, quality education and economic advancement. (Doug Wallen, PW)

FIRST 50 PEOPLE THROUGH THE DOOR RECEIVE FREE MILLER HIGH LIFE!!!

THERE WILL BE A PAID RESERVE LIST. To guarantee you’ll get in please RSVP here.

Brought to you by: Plain Parade and Arthur Mag/Sound Collector, movetophilly.com

Raffle Items Courtesy of: Sub Pop, Matador Records, ANTI, Zeitgeist Films, Plexifilm, and Spaceboy Music
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