all the negatives have been destroyed (or why they should be)

there are some nasty habits i need to take care of, mainly, this ability of mine to fall into a panic.

i know i make some of you worry.

im sorry.

it was probably while i stepped out of the room, perhaps to have a drink of water or to use facilities, but someone voted me in to do all of the worrying. im telling you, if i find out who voted me in for that, its 3pm at the bikeracks for them.

so so so. nothing is bad. you can stop dialing the hotlines for me.

its the end of the year, and people claim that this is when we should reflect, review. tis the season to be retro.

i have been thinking about the past year immensely, and i notice that for the first time, im reflecting on the calendar end unlike in the past where i would consider my birthday the beginning and start of a new year. if thats any indication, there’s has been a lot of change in this past year for me. change is great, i welcomed it with open arms, anything to forget a history prior to that.

these changes brought many open ends, which when i try to gaze forward into the future, seem to be as unraveling and flapping loosely as they are right now. its not scary to me at all, and it just sits there.

yeah, its waiting.

anxiety has consumed the last day, i cant take waiting for the telephone to ring.

i need answers now.

i wish i was working this week, i could let menial tasks occupy my mind in the meantime.

i feel parts of my body ache, and im not sure if i am imagining those pains, or if its real happening.

i lie on the bed, and stare the icons changing on instant messenger. one person leaves. another logs on. someone is still idle, and i wonder whats up with that. i wonder if anyone will send a message. these conversations drop off so quickly.

i think, am i dying?

i go and wash the dishes leftover from last nights cooking in the sink.

am i? i begin to entice myself with the notion of making final preparations; i search the web for interesting casket models.

i contemplate cremation.

stop overdramatizing, you havent heard just yet.

for this moment, im as good as dead.

merry christmas everyone.

can you spot any similarities?

im still listening to this cd and its so good.

i checked the post today, hoping that maybe there would be some mail for me - letters from long lost friends, a pay check from an old job conveniently turning up when im flat broke, anything - when i stepped barefoot onto the porch. toes turning numb by the millisecond, i spied a yellow padded envelope. opening the bronze lid, the return label caught my eye, endearing records, and i knew that it was for me.

i snatched the mail, ran back inside to recover from the cold. not one moment spared, i tore right into the paper and bubble wrap to find a cd within. verse by verse, by the caribbean. the cover was instantly recognizable, an interesting twist on a photograph of mine [see above].

i chucked the rest of the mail on the kitchen table and went up the stairs to my room. placing the cd into my stereo, i was prickling with excitement. after several listens, i have to say that this is the first best album of the year. i want to include it on my end of the year list, but can you count a promo that you have now which will come out next year? [no. its release date is 1.1.2k]

the caribbean are a dc-based band thats been around since 1999. the people in this band used to be in townies and smart went crazy, bands which i really liked [i discovered townies the apologetic sound one day in a bin at vintage vinyl, only to purchase it because i thought the cover looked cool — who knew i would come to love that disc]. but forget their pasts for a second, this new thing they have going on, is great and should be considered on its own merits. their first release, a self-titled ep out on their own label [little voice], threw in the suprising element of brazilian influences. it seems all the rage to look to this genre of music for inspiration - everyone from stereolab to portastatic have grasped it. dont consider this cd to be a mere hack of an original, it begs for you to sit there and pick out the references.

consider verse by verse the thornier cousin to its predecessor [mike said it, not me!]. listening to tracks such as “have you thought about turning pro?” is like grabbing a rose by the whole damn stem, and with a dumbfounded look on your face, being mildly surprised that this is what would happen. the guitars go from swimming in reverb to distortion in seconds, michael kentoff’s vocals floating over the whole song very much like robert pollards on gbv’s under the bushes, under the stars minus a fake british accent. there’s even a catchy bassline at the end that is just so fun, that it makes me want to put this song on repeat for hours. I wont though, because the other tracks are just engaging. i refuse to let myself focus on one song, everything on here is so good, and i dont want to neglect any of the other tracks.

what really surprises me is how much more dense this album is compared to the ep - the self-titled was very much so a headphone album in which you had to find the sounds in the silence, this one has a lot of sounds and that same space yet somehow doesnt feel overdressed.

this cd, has totally thrown me for a loop. its pop without being covered in sweetness and layered in textures that make you pick apart the small things, and not forget about the whole overall idea.

and it makes me so giddy.

info: the caribbean verse by verse is out on endearing records, january first 2001. you can listen to audio samples at their website. the band is doing some east coast dates at the end of january, and canada during the summer.

“i anticipate being in the depths of despair, because i know it will only get better from then on,” he said. so true, i thought as i sat in my room. i had been listening to him talk about the evening’s events, honored to be among one of the first he told.

these last few weeks, have been amongst the most productive i have experienced in a while. ive gotten a few responses to this site, along the lines of “why dont you take st. john’s wort?” and random hugs from classmates.

its really not that bad folks. but its nice to know you care.

sometimes, i wonder if its the holidays; other days i just think its my PMS that has been acting up horribly as late and then there’s other that i just think, “well, im just mentally fucked up.”

i just try my best to move along, and get on with life.

life, if you arent aware already, is doing some sort of artwork. i guess this website counts as art work, as its always being revisited, relooked and redesigned on a constant basis. ive been writing a lot, much more than i have ever. im working on some new photo projects; drafting a proposal to use an 11×14 view camera. its the school’s deardorff, and its been in the possession of the university of the arts ever since it was built, my guess is that its at least 100 years old. its on a geared tripod that its justas heavy as the camera itself. ive looked at it a thousand times when i sat in the shooting studio for classes; meditating on the thought of making conact prints larger that most images ive ever shot.

i envision myself as the intrepid photographer, climbing mountains with this monolith, just like hundreds of early photographers before me.

im also going to be taking this winter break to learn a new color printing process, dye transfer. my new boss has some old equipment and offered to give it to me. my teachers think im crazy because its outdated, i think im just trying to really understand all facets of my craft. and… purely archival color prints sound right up my alley.

top ten albums that were new this year, and which i found to be really good

the french kicks: young lawyer ep
eleventh dream day: stalled parade
lilys: selected ep
the letter e: number 5 long player
trans am: red line
shellac: at action park
enon: believo!
the caribbean: s/t ep
portastatic: de mel, de melao
the sea and cake: oui
cobolt: spirit on parole

“it ain’t so bad is it?” the man called from the rolled down window to me.

i was sitting on a stoop outside on the corner waiting for the bus.

incredibly tired, feeling a headache coming on, i shook my head at him. my face, when in a state of not showing any sort of expression, appears as if it is frowning. thats just my face.

my non-expression began to turn in to an honest frown, and i hid my face from the man as his car sped off. ive lost track of how many times ive had to fight off the urge to break down and cry.

no one ever really wants to hear that your life sucks.

His priveleged upbringing chilled me to the bones; I always checked to see if I was wearing rags whenever we were in a mutual space. I felt like an immigrant, and I’m first-generation American. That was the problem, that was why I hated running into him.

Friday was First Friday, Philadelphia’s monthly art ritual of opening up new shows. Everyone reminds me that I should go for the shows, and stay for the free beer and wine. That’s what I do. I havent been particularly wealthy of late, this opportunity would be the best bet for me to enjoy the evening, and be soused for zero dollars.

I spent an hour at Nexus Gallery’s holiday benefit, waiting for maura and trishy to have their meeting with the free psychic in the basement. Considering he wasnt being charged, I have this feeling that the psychic might be more geniune than say, the one on my old block always trying to read my fortune. I stood there, watched as i waited, the lighting system they had rigged up for the event. While the lights looked neat, it was shadow’s shape that was completely beautiful, lines that could have been the illegitimate child of Robert Motherwell and Matthew Ritchie. I became angry with myself for carrying a polaroid i-zone camera.

I felt I had waited too long; an hour and a half to be exact. I left the gallery and headed to the Khyber. Mascott were finishing up their horribly bland set. I wondered how Phoebe went from something truly wonderful [small factory] to this.

I didn’t spot him until I was talking with Matt, he walked past me to use the bathroom. I made it a point to not acknowledge his presence.

I went into the stage area of the club, looking for folks. I recognized Dany and Doug , their faces cloaked in darkness. I hadn’t seen Doug in ages; it was great to see him. He looked much happier, which when I last saw him, his state of being was the opposite and left me worrying for days.

Portastatic took the stage, and started with a cover of “On the Roof,” a Drifters tune, if I am correct. They went through a rather amazing set featuring songs like “San Andreas” “Polaroid” “Hurricane Warning” “Spying on The Spys” “You Know Where to Find Me” “Anne Frank” and a couple others, including one or two from the new EP, as well as a new tune, “Broken Arm” that seemed to have 75% of its kinks worked out. I was thrilled nonetheless. What didnt thrill me, was how the sound seemed off. As much as Mac was going for a jazz-like lineup, the sound should have felt more in touch. Instead, the fuzz and feedback of songs like “Polaroid” seemed as if there was a sheet between the sound and the band. My Personal Theory? Art DiFuria, the talented sound technician he is, was not working the board that night.

Afterwards, I finally found Maura. Since the idea of standing to watch Versus was unappealing to both of us, we took a seat at the bar, and chatted with Sam.

See… what irks me about Versus is that they are the bar-band of indie rock; never truly having a distinctive sound, and not once contributing to the genre in a way that is unprecedented. They are comptent, and they do what they do just fine. You’ll never hear anyone use Versus as a musical reference. They are, the most undistinguishable band I can think of that isn’t emo, and yet they are one of the most popular acts in the country right now. If you can tell me why, please do.

For as horrible as the above statement sound, there are some songs I enjoy by the band, “Thera” “Tin Foil Star” and one or two more. I agree with Sam that the first Versus song you hear, might be the only Versus song you’ll ever really like. So the band trudged through their set, only becoming interesting when older material [thera] was being played; my attention moved in and out of their set like rotating doors.

At the end, prior to the encore, he came over. He made attempts at small talk, I looked around the bar. I talked to other people. I was a bitch. Maura got up to use the bathroom, he sat down and stared at me. He tried to make small talk with me, I insulted his Versus purchases. dont even try, I seethed.

I wish that I could say our meeting ended at that moment. Instead, I wound up in the most twisted double date this side of the Atlantic, at the Melrose Diner. While the chat about collector scum ensued, I listened to the sounds coming out of the bathroom; a woman freaking out because 3 different men were interested in her. Oh, pity. I wondered about what her reaction would have been if she was sitting where I was at that moment.

I would have killed to trade places with her, right then and there.

this is the most one sided conversation i have ever had on the internet.